on shame.

God, we have no idea the kind of pain, shame, or fear that's warring behind a person's eyes. We don't know the stories, or how we've made meaning of ourselves, God, and others from what we've experienced.

Self-contempt for most of us is undetectable and unbearable all at the same time. We spend so much of our lives running from it and hiding it from each other. We relentlessly hold ourselves to impossible standards, we make ourselves the best of helpers, we make success and image our life goal. We chase after a false ideal-self that everybody wants to be and no one would dare throw away. We believe knowing more or controlling others and circumstances around us can cover the shame of our contempt. Sometimes we run from the pain with adventure or try to overpower it with mastery. Many of us even lose our voice to contempt and, in turn, lose ourselves in the crowd of pretenders.

I don't want to pretend anymore. I battle self-contempt every day. It's hard not to turn on myself when wanting, hoping, trusting, and loving often has a return of pain, shame, and fear. It's painful to cultivate a heart that is open to wounding and rejection.

The more I have experienced healing in my story, the more vulnerable I have become to wounding. I have never felt more connected to my fear, my sorrow, and my shame than in this process of healing. At the same time, I have never been more vulnerable to receiving and experiencing my dignity. I have felt the most joy, laughter, peace, beauty, and love than I ever have before.

In moments like this, I'm thankful that my story doesn't end in loss and sorrow. I'm reminded that there is glory and beauty in risking to be fully alive.