on envy.

Envy.

I hate to admit this, but I have it. For the longest time I thought I never struggled with this. I didn’t care what others had, I didn’t measure myself with others, and I was always confused when I heard others say, “I wish I had her hair,” “I wish I had his athletic ability” “I wish I had a family like theirs.”

Growing up people praised me for being the kid that never complained. I just accepted things as they were and people saw this as “contentment.” They bought into the deception that began with the lie I told myself, “I don’t want anything, I don’t need anything.” I wondered how a little girl, designed to move courageously and artfully in this world would be “content” with wanting and needing nothing, why she would be so accepting of being absolutely still.

I realized that my lack of envy exposed how I responded to my unmet longings and desires. I murdered them. More than that, I relentlessly campaigned against them to eradicate any and every part in me that would or could incite desire. And further still, I numbed myself and lied to myself that what I was doing was a good thing.

Because desire had betrayed me long ago. Wanting to be fully known and loved by my parents betrayed me. Wanting to be wanted by someone betrayed me. Wanting the person I can’t be with betrayed me. Wanting and needing stirred pain over and over again.

The more I have stepped away from the countless emotional narcotics I created(and continue to create), the more envy has been a growing presence in my life. I’m still learning her and choosing to face her because I believe that behind her lives a good and given desire in me that needs to be cared for, responded to, maybe even grieved over.

This feels like a backwards trail, facing her. I never know where I’m going or what I will find. Ugh, this is hard work, but I think it’ll be worth it.