interstellar.

There’s a specific scene in Interstellar that crushes me every time I watch it because I can’t help but connect that moment to some of the darkest seasons of my life, the ones where I felt the sting of God’s apparent silence and the terrifying thought that I’ve been abandoned to endure this life alone.

Cooper(played by Matthew McConaughey) returns to the main shuttle after a failed mission cost him precious time that he will never get back. Prior to this mission, Cooper was able to send and receive messages from his family on Earth, but on this mission communication went dark, contact was severed, and they no longer heard from him.

He plays back the messages on the monitor, desperately trying to collect any and every fragment of time he missed over the years. With each message you hear exhaustion in his son’s voice and see hope wither from his face before Cooper is shattered by the words from his estranged daughter, Murphy, telling him how he broke his promise to return to her. Despite all her years of holding bitter silence towards him, there was still a part of her heart that was alive, bleeding, and hoping that dad would come home.

Prayer sometimes feels a lot like lost time, broken promises, and total abandonment. And in those times my immediate impulse is to attack the source of my pain, and I often perceive that source to be God.

I remember the days where I felt tremendous guilt and shame for blaming God. I also remember the day God gave me permission to abandon him for the incredible pain I was in.

I didn’t have to be the strong one or the “good” Christian anymore who perfectly holds onto his promises. I could be the weak one, the angry one, the bitter one, the broken one, the hopeless one.

And it was in that place that I had nowhere to go, except call on him to come get me. And he did.

I wonder if he’ll keep showing up, if he really is that faithful, and if my heart will keep asking for him to come home.