beautiful boy.

Stories like Beautiful Boy have always captured my attention; it’s the relationship between Nic and his father David that stirs a sense of longing in me.

I spent years of my life trying to suppress, avoid, and numb out desires that expose how my heart wants everything but God. I ran from the truth and hid it from others because I thought he would only love me as the do-good saint, not the rascal.

I’ve recently stopped running and reconciled with the truth that, while I really love the idea of Jesus, I don’t actually love Jesus. The prospect of his love doesn’t grip me the way human love, beauty, and goodness do.

I’ve started to risk having a relationship with Jesus like the one Nic and David have, one that’s messy as hell where my wanderings echo Nic’s constant betrayal and where hopefully Jesus’s love is greater than David’s.

In the mornings I count the things that captivate me(often very good things) and tell him, “Jesus, today I love six more than you. Do you still love me?”

“Jesus, there are seven I love more than you. Do you still love me?”

This sounds insane, but I think this is the better choice, the road to a more sincere faith. Because when I ask him if he loves me, it’s like I’m peeking to see if the love I’ve heard about is real, steady, and unyielding.

I wonder if eventually one of my glances will linger and if one day my eyes will stay fixed on him.